Nearly 3 years into motherhood, it’s funny to look back at those first experiences of mom guilt. I’d feel guilty for having to set my baby down for the first time in 4 hours so I could use the restroom. Since then, there’s been bigger faults; times I couldn’t catch a fall, times I didn’t take her band aid off before she got a rash, and times I’ve fed her food she’s allergic to.
And then there’s the biggest one of all. That time we lived in a house that was unsafe. We had no idea for months. And although I can confidently say we left as quickly as I could when we found out, I feel so much guilt and confusion about why we were there in the first place.
Tonight I was reviewing a post I made about our excitement of moving into that house. I saw this picture of my little girl brushing her teeth. We were so excited to be there. We had so many happy memories there. She was just a baby.
I feel angry for the fact that we weren’t informed. I feel angry that we can’t get back the damage that was done. I hate the fact that we put her in danger. I wish I would have known more so I could do better.
But as much as it hurts, I also have to forgive myself. I am a good mom. I do the best I can for my girl. We made a mistake but it wasn’t due to lack of effort or care on our part. It’s easy to beat myself up with hindsight but that’s not fair.
Even with hard moments and times we wish we could change, there’s no way we would be in the same position we are in today if we hadn’t made that move. I can allow myself to wonder but I can’t allow myself to regret the decisions I thoughtfully and carefully made, especially when I”m confident it was the right thing in that moment.